It is looming like the sword of Damocles. After my post a few weeks ago regarding communications, I made some headway that shed light on my personal relationships. I had a Eureka moment, in fact, a large chunk of unprocessed memory didn’t only return, but they make sense now more than ever.
My inquisitive sister found my mum’s masters degree. The year was August 1998, which meant I was 2 years old. As a child, I recall a strong, but the unequivocal presence of my parents, ergo my mum practically raised us while my dad chased his dream, and professional success. Contrary to that, as a neonate, her presence in my life was feeble. I mostly recall my guardian, a meek tween of that era.
“What has this got to do with anything?” you may wonder. Well, last year during my internship programme, I made a friend. Anyone who knows me knows how foreign those four words are to me. We’ll call her Momo. I and Momo had a kind of bond, from the first meeting, that is uncommonly unique. Introverted as we were, with raging trust issues, we opened up about ourselves, just enough anyway. Her eyes radiated so much kindness and love, but it also unveiled grave pain. Moma is an only child, I figured she was only lonely.
She is a biologist and we both had a similar internship duration. As our programme drew to an end, Momo suffered an identity crisis. The crisis was triggered by a cascade of events that began with hallucinogen use and ended with some unresolved, suppressed memories taking center stage. Ironically, the same memories I recall now, a weak parental onus infancy.
Those few days were critical for her, as the meds needed at least a week to be potent, I dug tirelessly at my open wounds, so I could find something, anything that could retain her sanity, and perhaps my attempts were futile, but certainly, they contributed in steering her away from becoming an inpatient at the psych ward. Momo is doing much better now, and so am I.
We stumped the obstacles and moved beyond them, I’ve reflected on my life with much guidance and wisdom and reaped clarity. Unresolved matters have no hold on me anymore. I’ve dispersed all secrets and watched myself evolve from a resentful, self-doubting conch, and I owe it all to the support system I have. I have God, my loved ones, my readers, and bloggers to thank for the undefeated smile I wear on my face daily.
This post, however, is really not about me, it is for my beloved, Momo, and everyone out there who is in a constant battle with their ID. It is for those who do not want to get up from their bed in the morning and can’t sleep at night. For those who are plagued by the ghosts of what they cannot discern, and for those who, every minute they are alive is progress. I can never claim to comprehend what it feels like. This is for you. Hold steadfast, God loves you.
Like the forest before the starry night
Life pours carelessly at your feet
Yours is a gift that attracts twenty-one curses.
Listen not to the echoes of isolation
It shrieks like maleficent lilts
An avalanche of colossal forlornness.
Try as you may
Disenchantment brazes you like a whirlwind
Driving you farther from the ones that love you.
Some days we’re one
The next you’re numb
A kaleidoscope of cacophony.
Your willpower holds the key
It ends the cycle
To much of my pride.
Twenty-one curses are but a blessing in disguise.