Who am I?

“I think; therefore I am”—René Descartes

 

Who am I?

who sees when I see?

 

who hears when I hear?

who knows when I’m aware?

 

Who am I?

who watches my dreams when I am dreaming?

 

Who feels love when I feel love?

whose hair turns white when I’m gripped by fear?

 

Who are you?

whose shadow are you living behind?

 

Are you your father’s child?

are you a workaholic or alcoholic?

 

Are you still donning the frock  of guilt and despair?

are you still afraid of who you are?

 

 

 

 

sources;

Ramana Maharshi

the untethered soul—Micheal sing

 

Humanoids

Vulnerable beings in a human world. As many as the shades of the sky, we revel to the atonement of abysmal asunder.

Complex as the hand of Midas, but who decides how to count seconds, and who yelled; Oh look! it’s sand. We braze in the knowledge passed on by people about what we think we know, slowly crouching a bottomless pit because the earth is devoid of  edges.

You’ve conquered an incredulous journey; they may orate, but after that, what next? the future is uncertain and the past cannot be rewritten, even the present is omnimously arcane, projecting little of our influence.

To each, his time capsule afloat. Yesterday we were here, tomorrow we are gone. Only knowing what we were told from the moment of conception, assuming that philosophers and mathematicians of old already did the work, believing a customised template  dreadfully gifted by life — oder the galaxy, whichever seems more plausible.

So forgive me for believing that we exist in a matrix-like state. Our minds being programmed by a universal force. A system that balances peace, chaos, and war.

For all we know we are floating in a tube, force-fed the red pill, waiting to be presented the blue bill at our last wisp of air. A bitter-sweet moment of heavenly wonder.

Perspectives

Believe it or not. We take life for granted.

Even a day old neonate is guilty of becoming too comfortable with the air  and food he is able to enjoy, and sometimes we pray thanking God for life, but when was the last time we actively paeaned him rather than just reciting words? When was the last we helped someone because of their fragile humanity, rather than sending a one liner; “Hey Josephine, if you need my help, let me know.”

We are truly  insouciant to the differing perspective around us, and it’ll takes an unexpected cul-de-sac to jolt us  to conscious awareness. Let me give an example, I have been living in Hungary for a while now,  I’ve ensconced myself here and I almost forgot I’m not from here. Then I get a letter from immigrations last week, It seems they were acknowledging the completion of  my studies as the completion of my residence and they gave me a period of time to finalize my affairs and mossy on out. My dreamscape came crashing down, hard. I definitely thought I had more time. I needed a resolution.

For an entire day, I reminisced on the events, people etc that I’d taken for granted. I have never considered the perspective of a refugee prior to this point in my life,  they have been people I see on the the streets of Rome, and maybe that one lady that lives down the street that I avoid because she may be in trouble with the law.  Ergo, my primary message is, It’s not your  concern, till it happens to you. Yes you.

Here’s where I can brag about my petit growth, an old me would have panicked indubitably,  ran to the immigration office ASAP with no plan, wailed, contacted a lawyer, fall into a depressed mood, basically dithered around every promising lead like a scatterbrain. However, I continued my day without letting myself become ensnared by the distractibility of that letter. I understood it’s purpose was to evoke attrition, but It was another typical day.

In the Untethered soul, Micheal Singer talks about how our mind internalizes ordinary life situations to become a block in our life. If we need a solution, we also look introspectively to release that block. How easy! not really tho.

At the end, to God be the Glory,  a resolution was attained. I have learnt to be more consciously available, grateful and  more so flexible enough to consider every perspective.  Let us all remain blessed. Arrivederci.

 

Peter Pan taught me

In a dimension of impossibles

It is possible to fly

 

 

Transcension

“Be whatever you want to be”, they say, although what they really mean is, “You can be whatever you want as long as it is what I want you to.”

My sister told me this two years ago.  Now she’s eighteen and in the first year in the same school I just graduated from, medical programme. The truth is, I acceded to the decision to study medicine, It was more like a psychological attunement, people would say; “You like to read, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, you should be a Dr”. Uyai, on the other hand chose medicine.

Her struggles now give me flashbacks to when I was  naive and in first year. She had a bout of clinical depression that landed her in psychiatry outpatient, I suffered depression in between 1st and 2nd year as well, though it never occurred to me to me to visit the hospital, I turned to writing, drawing, and lots of crying. By then I hadn’t discovered the therapeutic values of exercise, nature walks and yoga, so I bottled it all in, no one knew.

I was praised for being strong, but matter-of-factly, Uyai-abasi showed admirable bravery for realising she had a problem and dealing with it. Our school system, unfortunately, is rigged for majority to fail, or at the very least, lose hope.  Now, my parents parenting style is absolutely contentious, in fact I’m probably scared for life because of their so called “African mentality”, but one thing our dad taught us was to stand our ground and never give up.  So the trials ensued, and boy did it rain down in full force, but I was too stubborn, and I know how resilient my sister is.

It took eight years of arduous training to become a Doctor, that day almost didn’t want to come, but as one of my favourite bloggers isaiahministry, noted, on their blog; “when God is working, he does so extraordinarily so the world knows that it is he”. I continue thanking him for honouring me in the way he has,  it took a lot of humbling experiences for me to finally succumb to his will,  I know he will bequeath his favour to Uyai-abasi. Because I’ve lived through them , I am now her biggest supporter.

 

A Haiku:

Pitter-patter of our DNA footprints

Juxtaposing faith’s light on grace

Attuned with signals of transcension

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Journey

 

Graduation week. I was fatigued, mentally, even before it began and although I turned to exercise to recuperate, It only seemed to worsen with physical stress. The only person this was harder on was my sister. My beloved Viktor was on an emotional rollercoaster, he was trepid with anxiety. Now some may wonder why graduation would be anything but Joy and relief,  while some of you might already have guessed it. My parents, the Ukuts, were coming to town.

Naturally, I was more worried about my boyfriend’s first encounter with my parents than I was about the graduation, to further complicate things, Nigerian tradition demands a formal introduction.

Dr Otuekong Ukut has made quite a name for himself because he is determined and strong-willed. He’s the type of person you notice in a room because of the panache way he carries himself, he can be rather obdurate—kinda like me. Then you have my Mum, Mfon Ukut, a torrid energetic Leo and a colossal bundle of fun.

To God be the Glory, both my introduction and graduation hit off well and I unknowingly achieved two important milestones in my life. I will definitely not be missing med school. Next week, I will go back to posting on Fridays. Here are some of the photos of events that took place these past days. Official Grad photos will be uploaded later.

arrivederci, Dr Idara-abasi Ukut. 30/06/2018

 

 

memoirs of Alex

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