Party wie die Deutschen

Since moving to Germany. I’ve done everything except stop and smell the roses. At times, it even seems like i’m purposely distracting myself from everything except work. It was only a matter of time before I would be forced to stand in stillness. The opportunity to hang up my scrubs came last weekend when my man’s birthday aligned with Oktoberfest. Neither of us have visited the event before, so we neither knew what to expect nor what was in store for us.

I wore the appropriate Dirndl mit Schürze, courtesy of a german relative. She also pointed out sweetly, that women laced the schürze according to their marital status. Married or courted ladies always laced it to their right hip, and flirtatious unbethroted women tied behind. Apparently a long standing tradition in German culture.

Oktoberfest was grounded sometime in the 17th century in Bavaria. l didn’t really research the roots of the celebration, but my guess is that it has something to do with the Deutsche love of beer, wurst and parties. Eventually, this month long festivity, extended to welcome visitors around the globe

So I had my dirndl on, and was feeling really cute until I discovered that mine wasn’t the most modern in the swarm of festers. But that didn’t matter at all. What really got to me was wait periods outside the Biergarten. I couldn’t phantom why I had to wait so long, just to buy an overpriced beer. Oktoberfest wasn’t looking so festive for me right about then.

Eventually we made it into a tent, and if you think our troubles were over, you’d be wrong as we couldn’t even have space to breath, talkless of seating. We stood in a line. Stood to drink our beers and eat our equally overpriced Ofenkartoffeln. How delightful!

By the time we left the tent, I was cursing out loud. There were police everywhere, protecting drunk people laying on the floor from getting trampled. Other times, people got aggressive from too much drinking and had to be roughed up by security until the police arrived. We came across a group of men doing Cocaine right there, like it was a norm. I had to ask myself, if Jesus came right now, would I be be saved? would he be happy that I’m here, would he even find me in this crowd?

I dunno.

But we ran into luck in the second tent. The wait was about 10 minutes and as we were entering, a group was leaving so we got seated immediately and welcomed others to sit with us. We got a beer and food and got acquainted with an American couple as well as a group from France, the evening was beginning to light up and the music wasn’t bad either.

My final thoughts on Oktoberfest…. I really don’t know. It’s clearly not my scene but I towards the end of the night, I decided that maybe we could give it another try if, and only if we got tickets into the tents. On the way home, the police escorted the crowd to the trains, this was much needed as I believe as we witnessed many passed-out fellows even as we arrived our destination.

Some Love

Tell me your story”, he said

We sat inside the sparsly lit coffee shop

Watching as the rain carassed the windowsill with every trickling droplet

And it reminded me of all the times we’ve been here.

From our first date in this very booth to when we became official. I remembered how I devoured a steak burger on our second valentine together ( our first one, I will still shy and proper) . I kept a diary so i’d never forget what you wore when we were out. And when things went super good, like when you got your job, we’d cackle and clink our beer glasses here too. When we got hitched, The house got free drinks on us and I danced ontop of this table like my feet would never be able to move again.

I remember the things you taught me, like the glass being half full and never half empty. And as I try so hard to cling onto the strands of optimism you instilled in me, an even sharper pain disrupts my spirit, reminding me that since two weeks ago, I will never see you sit in our favourite booth, at our favourite shack, since the accident that stole life from you.

This downpour is much like the tears that keep my eyes swollen. And even as I look up, the man sitting at your place with a gregarious smile is but a councelor that askes me everyday how I feel.

Well I feel like the thunderous clouds heavy in the sky, tormenting the people unlucky to be unprotected against it’s wrath. I feel anger at my own feeble nature. I wish it was me and not you, for you would have coped much better than I ever could.

But even at my weakest, i know that you would be proud of half the woman I am without you.

“Na ja”, I started to tell him, “some loves unfurl like a delicate winter flower, coming into full bloom in obedience to the peak of spring, others begin like a ferrarri going full throttle in switch gears that never runs out of diesel and ours — well ours was like a blip on an electrocardiogram that spiked high and never wavered, until one of us started to bleed and fade like an unblotted ink on a page.

The Garden

It’s the beginning of yet another week, I know

I know the dark calls to you sometimes

I know you walk down roads you know you shouldn’t

I know you observe your reflection through a jumble of shards

I know you’re worn out, tired of reliving patterns of painful choices

I sense you feel hollow at times

like life is teasing you, dancing in front of you,

but escaping you somehow

i know you live in the disconnect between where you are

and what’s happening outside of you

i know how much it hurts to live there, in the divide

between what you feel you are, and what you wish you could be

The sun has kissed your skin and you have inhaled it with complete trust

and you sometimes move without knowing what’s next

at times it feels paralysing to live with yourself.

I know you’ve worked so hard to control the outcome of your life

that you forget to meet yourself in the quiet and breath yourself full again

that you live in the shallow end and you forget to go deep,

breath deep ujjayi

you forget there is wealth of abundance and trust in you

i know there are places in yourself that you do not love

the parts you wrestle away

you visit them them from time to time, hoping they’re not there

i know you long to live in bliss

and when you arrive there you are so alive as if everything around you

is telling you yes, you’re home.

but i know shadows come while you’re asleep

and drag you down the familiar landscape of fear

I know you wonder if the light will ever return

because you’re tired of this upbeat dance between the two worlds.

you’re learning to taste heaven, grown wings

you’re accepting the difference

between sun soaked mornings and dark forests

you are human my dear and are allowed to be in both places

you are not damaged

you are not failing

you are allowed to be lost in dark rivers

be gentle when doubt comes, when fear chokes

when darkness debilitates you

spend special care to cultivate the garden of love when you come across these dark corridors.

know that you are offered the chance to tend your garden

the dark offers you a chance to love all the places you’d never dare

all the places you curse

where we deprive ourselves of love is where we need it most

when the dark comes , tell it what it what it wants so badly to hear,

You are loved.

Colour Play

Angelic bodies drape the skies

In varying stripes of turquoise shades.

bronze burns into a scourging orange.

A magpie in flight like a sardonic ghost

Turquoise and teal stretch their edges on life

across horizons to assimilate heaven’s secrets

or secure God’s ritzy paradise

from our predictable human minds.

Day and night, the shadow play

Umbra charade on lemon walls

a painstaking five minutes rushes by

and scarlet unites with fuchsia tinge.

the sky tells a mysterious tale in deeper hues

like all the darkness of the world has seeped out

from our mind’s crevices

and trapped above sea level.

I do not fear the horrors that the story unfolds,

it is beyond the border

far from my inquisitive reaching mind.

No, I simply close my eyes and feel the colours paint my soul,

dissecting it red and blue

The colours fade and loneliness looms like a crown above my eery head

How anxiety feels like

He gave me this load to carry

it weighed heavy and left me winded

in my ribcage, my heart ached and slowed

all the while robbing me of my speech

It was several rough hands grappling at my neck

A reality that costed me my libido, my stamina, my cash

doubt was running down my face like sticky mascara

in the face of adversary, I pretend to be everything I’m not

It’s like my shadow was polluting the street

and my hymn was that of a debby downer

on one side life was handing out subtle coloured roses

on my end, I had sunk deep into dung

Cock. Screw. Trigger

eagerly waiting for a mail that ends it all

soon I realise, I can’t serve two masters

I’m left roaming like a wild cat

Today ends and tomorrow begins

but my anxiety stayed constant variable

realising how expensive joy is

even though I answer to it’s call

They said it’ll get easier, it hasn’t but i’m still here

how do you know when you’ve hit rock bottom?

when you can’t estimate the well’s depth?

It’s like a deaf married to a deaf and birthing a deaf child—– no really

That day will come, some day

I’ll forgot the worry lines that creased my brow

the tightening grip on my neck will vanish

the road i chose will become more familiar

Then I will be willing to speak.

The fall of Homo Sapiens

I keep dreaming of Astral beings

circling the earth’s core

suspended in their orbital hollow UFOs

steering their spaceship into Central America

abolishing all life form around its perimeter

I still suspect Aliens

emitting high-frequency light energies

into galaxies far from our limited views

bottling up the milky way in titanum jars

threatening humanity with each turn of time

I have never heard the wind like that before

or the mangroves speak stillness

From it’s deep bowels,

the earth has sprouted cancerous roots

Left me speechless like never before

The time is coming

the time has come

Time lapses outside my bedroom window

wrapping our psyche in a precise forcefield

like the decadent sycamore tree rooted outside

This is a message to the Earth

the seasons, the canyons and natural elements

how aimless our planet orbits the sun

as Humans poison it’s fertile soil

waiting for when it’s devoid of life form

So listen as the former powerful giant

whimpers in a clam shell

will the earth still be earth?

if the celestial bodies turned away

if the rain refused to seep from the heavens

If she took back everything she gave us

and handed it to the next generation of evolved species

They will excavate our bones

retracing the history of the fall of homo sapiens