How anxiety feels like

He gave me this load to carry

it weighed heavy and left me winded

in my ribcage, my heart ached and slowed

all the while robbing me of my speech

It was several rough hands grappling at my neck

A reality that costed me my libido, my stamina, my cash

doubt was running down my face like sticky mascara

in the face of adversary, I pretend to be everything I’m not

It’s like my shadow was polluting the street

and my hymn was that of a debby downer

on one side life was handing out subtle coloured roses

on my end, I had sunk deep into dung

Cock. Screw. Trigger

eagerly waiting for a mail that ends it all

soon I realise, I can’t serve two masters

I’m left roaming like a wild cat

Today ends and tomorrow begins

but my anxiety stayed constant variable

realising how expensive joy is

even though I answer to it’s call

They said it’ll get easier, it hasn’t but i’m still here

how do you know when you’ve hit rock bottom?

when you can’t estimate the well’s depth?

It’s like a deaf married to a deaf and birthing a deaf child—– no really

That day will come, some day

I’ll forgot the worry lines that creased my brow

the tightening grip on my neck will vanish

the road i chose will become more familiar

Then I will be willing to speak.

Random Gothic Anthem

Crest

I spy with my eyes

An unmistakable whiff of cheap cologne

persists, lingering on my philtrum

grows wider than spaces between lyrical innuendoes

Odysseus walls

somersaulting ruins

I cannot unlearn my inevitable mortality

even if I cried sunshine and peed rainbow

Rose coloured Polaroids

I remember when I used to mope around

Waiting to recover my vitreousness

rummaging the things that have been shipwrecked

Love

Hate

Hate is not an equal to love

I love the things you hate the most

Wring me dry

wring me plaid

stretch me under your adventure boots

as you sail from high to low tides

Stand still

It is quintessence that flows to the brink of surrender

eccentric little goldfinch blushing in pitch darkness

Silence recruits ravens to unearth ethereal promises

Shattered fear

a seed of poison drawn on the lips

Winter colour muse from a sardonic artist’s heart

A brothel couldn’t hide you behind it’s wall of cigarette smoke

Labyrinth

bodies hidden between the corridors and cracks

to be made whole, I must be found

to be found, I must vanish behind a random gothic windowsill

Remember to make yourself whole

“Remember to make yourself whole again”,

That voice so dauntingly vivid says

Remember the trees that cast a shadow on you while you were wounded

Remember the spring that brought fresh water to your heels

Remember the face in the sky that day that looked like a beguiled doe

The Icicles that clung to the roof of a shack that was bastioned by the forest

Everything is just how you remember

It is as clear as a mirror in your mind

But it is in the other side of the mirror that you live

A upside down dimension that is tipping over

This is the reality where everything has changed

Where the sun peaks at midnight and sets at daybreak

Where ashes and splinters are the remains of the tree

The bones in the river lie waste at midday

The faces in the sky, how orgulous they’ve becomee

now that a forest fire has ravaged the botanical lush

Therefore you do not recognise your safe place

the twinkle in your eyes are one of oblivion

You cannot hear the wildlifes jolly prance

You cannot sense sand fall to the bottom of the hour glass

and your body withers along with the surrounding

“Remember to make yourself whole again”,

it’s merely a fleeting whisper now

but on the other side of the mirror there is nothing

No life

No trees

No shack

by now perhaps you’ve started to realise,

that you do not exist too.

An Introvert’s Handbook

We always have the heartiest laugh

in a room full of people

we adapt to living in the moment

It will be over soon anyways

Battery drained, energy depleted

Just need an hour,

Just need a week

and an empty bottle of elderberry wine

Take the dog for a walk

and do yoga outdoors

when we feel a buzz to explore nature

It could all be so simple

Club music, screaming teens aches the soul’s ears

felt this way since age 22.

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe a month’s gap

“the farther the better” is forever the motto.

ask me to come join you at 9pm

I text back at 8:59

Body feels heavy and my bed’s tucked me in

it’s massaged me with a soothing balm

and pecked me sweet dreams

A day at a time

helps us unravel our insecurities

we’ve sailed through time

stopping at every port of our mind’s evolution

Watching oneself grow without changing

suffocating under knowledge, experience and migration

Running away from a place that feeds off light and innocence

away from the alley of despair and self-abandonment

searching earnestly for peace

but peace finds us on a rainy night

beside our bed with a mug of yogi tea

grooving to jazzy pop and stroking our bunny’s tum

Today we’re bubbly, fun, ready to go

but you’re talking over each other

and I can’t hear myself think

instead I’m absorbing everybody else’s emotion

I’m done before the night’s even begun

Let’s try a do over

at the one place where anxiety has no territory

so long as you don’t move anything

or poke prying questions

I’ll get the Hors d’oeuvre and listen

you sit over there and relish the honor of being invited

into the organized maze of a chaotic mind

This amazing illustration by Yaoyao Ma Van of https://introvertdear.com/news/illustrations-introvert-living-alone/

Black realness meets pop culture

I’m still gagging.

*Warning: this post is slightly ethnic heavy*

To usher us into a new era of super fierce black realness, Solange released her new Album with her single “Almeda”. Here’s my 2 cents;

Hello 911, what’s your emerg—?

mumbles

You say he’s suffering from persistent convulsions? Give that man a bolus of melanin stat!

what type?

Almeda 200ml/ 30min until he stabilises.

Yes, it is layers upon layers of brown liquor, brown sugar, black skin and everything else in between.

I normally do not involve myself with today’s music. Most are condonable until they transform into an ear worm, no thanks to the massive supply from media. However, they highly influence the creative works behind pop culture, which means it’s worth something.

My idea of pop culture revolves around a handful of artists. I’m inspired by realness—some are albeit neither popular or current. I love Kate bush, Sade, Aliyah, Erykah Badu, 2pac, Eminem and Kendrick Lamar…so maybe a bit more than a handful.

Now Solange happens to be the missing link between Pop culture and black realness. That’s because she proves it every time she releases a single. The first song from her I heard, “lovers in the parking lot”, had me obsessing without end. Her energy is ambivalent, most of the time she’s just having fun. When “losing you” came out, I was sold, hook, line and sinker. I guess I’m naturally drawn to the underdog.

The problem with the so called pop culture today, is that the masses always pit their beliefs against each other. Let’s not get into Cardi-B and Nicki Minaj shameful dirty laundry exhibition. People try to convince others that their choice of music, fashion or dance is ulterior. It’s too subjective to call. and doesn’t need to be cut-throat. For the generation Z, who happen to be the more technology savvy, peer pressure is an ancient problem.

When we listen to tunes that flow well, that impacts our psyche in an aboriginal way. So let’s enjoy the gift of music, for it adds flavour to our life—but I’m just saying Solange is Bae tho.

The Test

After my well articulated post of taking it easy and letting life happen few weeks ago, I went ahead and did something absolutely rash last week. I signed up for the language test.

the registration for the exam is not a big deal, I mean normally people register for an exam they want to take next month or so. No sire, I wouldn’t be me without careless judgement. This test happened last weekend, that meant I had 6 days prior to prepare. How’s that for relinquishing control

Thus rolled in the beginning of what happened to be a really long week, I was recoiling from the death of my grandfather and somehow my brilliant plan was to distract myself by studying without ends each day. Na ja brilliant.

On the D day, I was beyond tired, kaputt as the Germans say, and well I couldn’t turn back now. I had already paid. Although I don’t consider myself a run-on-the mill lucky person, spring had just begun. This is the time of new beginning. If I was going to make a leap of faith, it had to be now.

So I did it anyway.

Out of the four fluency skills, I pride myself in my reading and understanding skills, I felt positive about that. Listening on the other hand, is not my forte. And writing? God knows that could go either way.

But the speaking. Oh the speaking part. I could count a million things wrong with it other than my enunciation skills. So there I, brain running on low glucose and less than optimal sleep. Hands fidgety. The self -confidence battery completely drained and naturally expected to speak Deutsch for 15 minutes.

Game over. I lost.

…or did I?

I told myself I’ll be okay either way the wind blows, tho honestly I lost hope. Today, I contacted the institute. The lady was kind enough to reveal my points, even though they officially aren’t to be revealed yet. Perhaps she had sufficient emotional intelligence to sense the desperation in my voice which provoked man’s most regal emotion, empathy. I’ll never know, and at the moment, I wasn’t really interested in that.

I have to say i’m shocked—in a good way. The scenario played out a lot different in my head. I will have to repeat a part of it, luckily not the whole. Now the question I can’t help but ask myself is, if I could go back, would I register for this test 6 days before it takes place, knowing I won’t make it all the way through?

At the risk of coming off stand-offish, Absolutely. I’m unapologetically non-penitent in this regard. I get no accolade for good judgement or relinquishing control. There’s a reason I don’t know how to swim. But I like to think I’m a student of life, I let life chew me up and spit me out.

Tomorrow, I’ll still climb the moon.

Matthew 11:28; Then Jesus said, “come to me , all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest”.

Image by @bekexjj aka James Robert on Instagram

God’s plan

Everyday starts out the same—a longing yawn that spurs our entire organs to wakening. However they end differently. Sometimes different is good, other times it’s bad different. The high priestess draws are unpredictable

Sometimes we wake up with a single goal in mind like, find food, the next minute a dentist is sawing off your teeth like deranged miner drilling for nugget. There are times, your goal is to find yourself, then along the way you become enchanted by someone’s eyes— it’s always in the verdamnt eyes. You fall hard….deep…hard deep? and wind up in a whirlwind that drops you at the last station you’d want to be— a town hall at your own wedding.

Yes, God can change hearts. He turns the king into the fool, and the fool into the Pope

So here I am, self proclaimed anti-wedding conservative accepting a right standing romantic activist in a legal binding contract. Not only that, but this happens to be the first of four ceremonies which for some women is a gold plastered street with a rainbow at the end with a sack of gold beneath it.

Tja, when I said 2019 was going to be one hella year, this wasn’t exactly the scent I was trailing down. Now and again, I forget to introduce myself right.

I’ve often been asked how I feel. It’s a fleeting feeling I still can’t comprehend, but it’s calm and soothing like Ayurvedic tea after Yoga. What I do know is that I’m loving being able to call HIM, my husband.

To be safe, ask me again after all the Nigerian and Hungarian marriage schenedigans.

God's plan
Ephesians 5:25: “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her”

God's plan
Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
God's plan
Ephesians 4:2-3: “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
God's plan
Colossians 3:14: “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
God's plan
1 Corinthians 13:4-5: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

And lastly, because it’s simply the best. Romans 8:28, And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Thanks for stopping by to check on us. Enjoy a pleasant week ahead.

Remembrance day

Patriotic Nigerian, we hold in our finite hands the fate of the future.

Later generations will hold tomorrow in the same regard as the Biafra war

they will remember their father and mother’s decision

their uncles and aunties reaction

it is not a question of who is the smarter candidate

or who makes the most campaign promises

our sons and daughters will neither remember what they said nor how they won

They will only remember us and the choice we committed to.

So tomorrow let the national anthem resonate in your heart

lets choose the freedom, peace and unity we sing so passionately of

Remember the pregnant women and defenceless children that were massacred

The slaughtered Nigerians, no different from you and I.

Remember that mass genocides in Zamfara and Plateau too.

Their blood cries out, and their families mourn for justice.

while we are not God, and the current government ignores our pleas

We owe it to our future generations, to secure fighting chance

Tomorrow will be a one for the history books

though they say history is never kind,

Tomorrow the sun will be still, and God’s hand will prevail.

Tomorrow will be a day for the neglected, the deprived and the oppressed

The day that will forever echo the verdict and retribution for the government and the people.

Vote wisely, for you will be remembered for it.

22/02/2019.

The Getaway

I’m filling up the tank, Amadeus

let me drive into mid-summer’s sunset

wave good-bye to the road we built together

leave behind the haunted part of myself

and the people who whose faces I swore I’d always recognise

I’m gonna drive past the seven mountains

each representing an era of intrepid defeat followed by respite

I hope i don’t choke on the unjust decay of human-kind

I pray the air is clean and the earth sprouts goodness

I pray that the soil is untainted, wherever I settle

I’m sorry my love, but this is the way it has to be

When we built this highway you knew deep down

the day would come when I’d run and never look back

the astonishment in your face leaves me clutching my chest

the part of you that dies today, already withered in me a while ago

So I’m buying a highway ticket, never to return

I’d ask you to come with but we both know

that’s not what you want

You’re the one that got away and I may never forgive myself

for now, take my dreamcatcher, and I’ll nozzle your cheekbone later.


Auf Deutsch

Ich fülle den Tank,

lass mich in den Sonnenuntergang im Hochsommer fahren

Abschied von der Straße, die wir gemeinsam gebaut haben

hinterlasse den tiefsten Teil von mir

und die Leute, deren Gesichter ich geschworen habe, erkenne ich immer

Ich werde an den sieben Bergen vorbeifahren

jeder repräsentiert eine Ära der Niederlage und der Ruhe

Ich hoffe, ich würde den ungerechten Verfall menschlicher Art nicht

Ich bete, dass die Luft sauber ist

Ich bete, dass der Erde unbefleckt ist, wo auch immer ich mich niederlasse

Es tut mir leid, meine Liebe, aber so muss es sein

Als wir diese Autobahn bauten, wussten Sie es ganz genau

Der Tag würde kommen, wenn ich renne und nie zurückschaue

Das Erstaunen in Ihrem Gesicht ist nur eine Fassade

Der Teil von Ihnen, der heute stirbt, ist schon vor einiger Zeit in mir verwelkt

Also kaufe ich eine Autobahnfahrkarte und kehre nie zurück

Ich würde dich bitten mitzukommen,

aber wir wissen es beide das ist nicht was du willst

Du bist derjenige, der davongekommen ist, und ich werde es mir niemals verzeihen

für jetzt nimm meinen Traumfänger, und ich werde heute Abend deinen Wangenknochen spritzen.