You are not okay

Alone, is what humans can’t comprehend. The first man couldn’t stand to be by himself, so he begged God to fill the empty void with a befitting silhouette. His sons mated with their sisters, what now is a horrifying taboo was then perfectly in order because man mustn’t be alone. The greeks held such frivolous parties where they inebriated on laudanum and made philanderous attempts at maidens.

Long before telegrams, people made tedious journeys on foot, or with an animal for several hours, just to connect with someone for a couple of hours, and be able to tell other about it.

Social media arrived, and it’d be false to believe it was still about the personal interactions, like Lilian in the neighbourhood, or bob at work, because the whole world is watching, at least the network of Intelligence the government uses to monitor digital blueprints is .

It’s no more about you and I.

We are part of a network that ensures that we will never be left alone. Isn’t that great?, isn’t that what we want?

No?

Then there’s something wrong with you, perhaps you’re the type who relinquishes on casual encounters with strangers, who’ll end up chopped up inside your refrigerator. Or even a stalker, whatever, I am afraid you’re not right you see. You don’t call your parents or talk with your bestie for lengths at a time.

You are not okay.

The rest of us are so perfectly well-adjusted. We crave meeting people we’ve lost contact with and catching up, especially so we can tell our normal friends and anybody with ears about it. We love to go to work and smile with our bosses and colleagues even though we’ve fantasied about slashing their throat severally. HAHA. But that’s normal you see, everybody does it but you.

As long as we don’t understand you, you are dangerous.

So here are some pills. Take them till your fingertips are numb, your pupils are dilated, and you laugh at the top of your lungs at every horrible joke. Take them until you feel liberated to talk about the colours pirouetting around your ego. Take them until you’re empathless.

And then you will be okay….like me.

Intuition

Settled down at the glance and the thought of life

Felt currents like electric spark from my core

Isolation center around a waking surge

A vibration that propels into the throat chakra.

Keep the energy inconspicuous, never swaying to either poles

Your throat will either absorb the impulses

or it may continue it’s journey towards the chest

The hollow cave of intuition, where your heart lies

Oh, what a feeling of radiating emotions

knit and knock in your bones and joint space there after

Your heart weighs with a message from the universe

while your charitable heart banishes it to the bowels

Metabolism fastens or sluggers, then settles

between the groins, a belt tightens around hips and lower back

Feel the moon spread across the sky’s edges

dare to subtract the edge it has over you

For people who sense the slightest imbalances,

energies of the galaxy and of kindred

may sound abnormal, but is it really?

dubbed empaths or highly sensitive, for whatever reason

For us the full moon is more like a reckoning

Anything but smooth sailing it is

feelings too scary to explore, spur up

the dark side of my soul bullies me to submission

Yell as you wish, the influence grows worse

like a family reunion, where the black sheep is king

spritz me with venom and engulfs me whole

Until I am gurgling on it’s dark influence

Neptune knows, intuition cannot be bargained with

gifts dreams you can sip with your soul out a straw

or sardonic skies that taunts you at your weakest

But when my forehead kisses the ground,

every turmoil is hushed in universal harmony

Her Connection

Today she saw a bird,

black-feathered, orange-beak it was

and next to it sat another

together on a fence.

She’d never had a best friend

So the pen became her therapist

as well as her mentor

She made the mint pages of a book,

her biggest patrons.

Her favourite blouse leaves a trail

of ox-blood and maroon.

She dazzled in her recent look

with a recycled version of her former drag.

Her shade is a tinted mural

of interrupted dreams she’ll dream again

but her favourite pants is a pair

of unresolved feeling she’s too scared to detach from.

On her face, you’ll notice a dent

the dissembled puzzle pieces of her past lovers.

The pages of her soul are dog-eared and ripped.

The beauty of her heart was lost in transition.

That’s why she likes to smoke tobacco

and watch the fumes dance off her skin.

She said I have to chose

between a burning city and a secluded mine

it’s not at all easy for me

because my soul burns like embers

and the earth eludes me

maybe I’ll walk to a reef

to let off steam and level my thoughts.

So She laid under the stars

made out familiar faces from the sky.

Her limbs grew warm

like a volcano was erupting inside her.

Her breath waned

like the universe was buried inside her.

She heard a wolf howl

As if it too was craving a real connection.

Then everything went still.

The waves stopped crashing.

The insects stopped mid-flight.

The seconds stopped ticking

At midnight, she was still.

Like a rose waiting to be plucked

until the ground swallowed her whole

and burped up her ashes.

… A rare tenuous connection

How I got engaged

 Those video archives on the internet always seem longer, but my proposal took less than 2 mins, and now I have a new treasure for my memory box.

Our Beginning

We met 3 years ago on a dating app. Neither of knew what  we wanted, but a glitch in the time-space continuum turned two strangers into something more. We’ve had our fair share of turmoils, often breaking up for a varying lengthy periods. Despite being of the same age, we are polar opposites in more ways than one. I was emotionally unintelligent, whereas Viktor had a  more evolved thought process. Ultimately, My curiosity towards learning drew me to him. His objective views keep me grounded. We eventually decided to buckle down and figure out a common ground

The Nightmares

Since meeting my parents in June, I’ve had an inkling he was going to propose, which left me rather anxious. I had recurring nightmares, like Aliens possessing my body, forcing me to denounce him and creating an awkward scenario. In another, I was naked. Tired of the nightmares, I confronted him. We got into the details like the size of my finger and how the event should transpire. In the nightmares, it was public like airports or restaurants, and I wanted none of that.

Surprise Surprise

Despite eliminating one element of surprise, I still didn’t know when it’ll happen. When we arrived Lisbon last week, he told me he booked a boat tour. I pictured big bus sightseeing tour or something similar. I wasn’t even gonna dress up, then I saw him all suited up with his dressing shoes, so I changed everything on me. As a result, we were running late. 

As we arrived at the port, there were no big sight-seeing ship, instead we met an ocean skipper who took us to a sailing boat. I wanted to scream, he’d made me run out almost without a pair of earrings and it was just the two of us?  They could have waited since we booked the entire boat.

Let me sidetrack for a bit, I have a real time ( and numbers) disproportion. While my Fiancé would rather be always 7 mins early, I prefer to be there exactly on time, as you may have guessed,  this never happens as I’m always  late. Good timing is yet another thing I’m learning from him.

Boats are scary!

I got over it quickly when the boat started to move and the skipper narrated to us about the monuments. As we drifted father down the river, I walked (more like duck for fear of falling overboard) to the front of the boat to experience the full view. 

Perfect timing

He said he’d be right behind, yet he was talking secretively with our captain. I figured it was either about football or EU politics. Eventually he came at the perfect time… when the gust grew stronger and I got so cold. I hugged him very tightly. The song “moon river” came across my mind which translated into the poem I published HERE on Monday

I said Fix it

7 mins later, the sailor waltz over and asks us if we want a picture, I always want a picture when I look good.  we got up, me shaking like autumn leaves. In the next moment, he was searching his jacket for something, and I knew this was it.My reply to his question was “fix it”, a little inside joke between us, then I said yes.

Authenticity rocks

Later at the restaurant, he apologised for the size of my diamond. But one of his  most admirable qualities is his authenticity, something the rock on my finger glaringly reveals.  He could have bought Zirconia, or borrowed money from people in other to buy a ring bigger than his pay-cheque, but he stayed true to me, and most importantly to himself.

End note

It took less than 2 mins, but a lot of thought and planning was behind it, Some people prefer grand surprises, I got the perfect holiday gift I could ever wish for,  If you’re engaged, married, or have family who is, you have to share your story in the comments.

We’re leaving Portugal today and I’m so sad, but a part of my life will be connected to the river Tagus. Thank you for taking time away from your festive shopping to read my long ass story. Remain in his blessings.

The awakening

Most times I prefer that it become adaptable to the audience by letting you read meaning into it, but this one is personal.

We’ve had to deal with our fare share of insecurities in a way that’s unique to us. Ergo, no two war stories will ever be the same.

After a scheduled coffee date this week,  I was forced to stare at myself  in the  mirrored hall and I couldn’t help but Thank God, because I saw myself for how beautiful I truly was.

Before then I made futile attempts to not look at myself because all I saw was a grimy shadow of imperfections. I thank God for my journey thus far. I thank him for the courage to love myself the way he intended.

 

 

Don’t look at me

for I wear shame like a crown

worthy of thorns

worthy of scorn

worthy of everything, but mercy

 

The person I saw the other day

she looked back at me with vulnerability

so I mocked her for being weak

I mocked her for I knew she has much shame

exactly as much as I have

 

In the day time I yearn for worthiness

the worth of love and belonging

An impression I never fanthomed

the abyss that leaves me empty and dry

Drowning in a sardonic rash 

 

And I searched for it in her

for forthnights and moonsons

for decades and eras

for milleniums and eons

till I was emptier and drier

 

It drove me crazy

For in many men the courage  existed

I went astray connecting deeper with her psyche

and  she had no compassion for me

just like I had none for her

 

So I laid there pleading

I grew numb. My teeth  bleeding

I could tell she was scared of me

but her shame kept her locked  away

in iron clad glates

 

In her eyes a glimmer of compassion

Her voice chocked with hope

Hope was all I needed

to reveal her courage

and rid her fear.

 

I began to tell her

everything she is good at

I was beginning to see it

even if the world didn’t

Yes I see it!

 

Then did she rise and break the fetters

I thought she would smite me

I couldn’t blame her

yet her eyes gleamed with empathy

She rescued me, like Heracles did Theseus

 

 

She cleaned me up

she took my hand

we walked together

out of the seat of witness

I have never felt worth until now

 

This is what vulnerability feels like

I formed ground-breaking connections

These all happened while she sat cross-legged on a  mat

chanting in deep breaths;

I am enough!