Nya ébok rà

Control isn’t just a word to rhyme in poetry class. It’s the pattern that pragmates the cervixes of life. I knew how to breath, eat by listening to the voices that scream the loudest when my soul is reeling in unfathomable silence;

“Nya ébok rà this is what you should do”

I’m not used to the uncertainty that taints my own voice, or the scent of naivety that trails my skin. I’ve been told I’m too wayward, addicted to carelessness like it was heroine. Control is the word associated with power, they said,

Nya ébok rà, control will keep you strong, even if it’s just a bubble of illusion that distorts perception.

There are daddy issues interwoven in mummy issues interwoven in life issues. It’s not like me to leave things alone and freedom is like the stars I sleep under every fortnight so I could dream in bright white light. When the last piece of me broke away, I ran up the a mountain, pointed my forefinger to the air and screamed,

Nya ébok rà I hope I’ll swim back whole some day.

Nya ébok rà

The Garden

It’s the beginning of yet another week, I know

I know the dark calls to you sometimes

I know you walk down roads you know you shouldn’t

I know you observe your reflection through a jumble of shards

I know you’re worn out, tired of reliving patterns of painful choices

I sense you feel hollow at times

like life is teasing you, dancing in front of you,

but escaping you somehow

i know you live in the disconnect between where you are

and what’s happening outside of you

i know how much it hurts to live there, in the divide

between what you feel you are, and what you wish you could be

The sun has kissed your skin and you have inhaled it with complete trust

and you sometimes move without knowing what’s next

at times it feels paralysing to live with yourself.

I know you’ve worked so hard to control the outcome of your life

that you forget to meet yourself in the quiet and breath yourself full again

that you live in the shallow end and you forget to go deep,

breath deep ujjayi

you forget there is wealth of abundance and trust in you

i know there are places in yourself that you do not love

the parts you wrestle away

you visit them them from time to time, hoping they’re not there

i know you long to live in bliss

and when you arrive there you are so alive as if everything around you

is telling you yes, you’re home.

but i know shadows come while you’re asleep

and drag you down the familiar landscape of fear

I know you wonder if the light will ever return

because you’re tired of this upbeat dance between the two worlds.

you’re learning to taste heaven, grown wings

you’re accepting the difference

between sun soaked mornings and dark forests

you are human my dear and are allowed to be in both places

you are not damaged

you are not failing

you are allowed to be lost in dark rivers

be gentle when doubt comes, when fear chokes

when darkness debilitates you

spend special care to cultivate the garden of love when you come across these dark corridors.

know that you are offered the chance to tend your garden

the dark offers you a chance to love all the places you’d never dare

all the places you curse

where we deprive ourselves of love is where we need it most

when the dark comes , tell it what it what it wants so badly to hear,

You are loved.

Alexander’s guide to Relinquishing control

It takes a lot to admit I have a problem. It’s not exactly a habit. I doubt it’s as easy as quitting sugar cravings, perhaps everyone struggles this at some point. I may have written about this previously in subtext. Hi, my name is Idara-abasi and I’m a control addict.

Origin

I guess this stems from my family again, with one parental figure showing authority society-wise and the other being an average joe . Naturally I didn’t want to be average. I wanted it all. When I don’t get the recognition, and ascertainment I need, that can be an ego trip.

I’m smart enough to know that control is a delusion, on the other hand, I just can’t shut down my radar, smoke weed, and listen to, “Don’t worry be happy” . Though I throw fits when life plans go wary, I eventually swallow a big nasty pill and introspect. There is always a nugget of wisdom hidden somewhere.

The plan

I made these plans to move to Austria, learn deutsch, take the language exam before easter and land a job. Naturally, I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to start residency right away, that’s why I was hoping to work as student practitioner, till I acquired the medical license. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but after researching, emailing administrators of the Austrian Medical chambers, I realised it is near damn impossible.

Faith

I resorted to whining like a 3 year old whose had his candy stolen. For weeks I rummaged in the sea of uncertainty, I was reliving my greatest fear of losing control. It’s medical school all over. Despite that, two words kept fluttering through my inner ear, “Have faith”.

The truth

Yesterday, as I was deliberating which pieces of the puzzle were salvageable, what part of the plan is resuscitable, I had an epiphany.

To envy someone who seemingly has control over his affairs is as meaningless as the current administration in Nigeria. Disaster can strike at any miscalculated moment. Even though I could somehow control my life, I could never get a grip of my surrounding.

Words of wisdom

Psalm 37 verses 23, 24, 40 is exactly what I needed. If God brought me out of medical school, there is no doubt in my mind that he will not do it again. Faith and trust may be the virtues I’m getting schooled on right now, but I think I’m only going to get a C-minus.

It’s hard and I sometimes forget. But the one thing I know is, I will get to where I need to be, most likely not in Austria, not that I’m abandoning the project, I am simply choosing to relinquishing control.