City Lights

The soles of my feet were tethered to the floor as chills creeped up my limbs and invaded my spine. Meticulously. I gulped hard, hoping for relief as hot saliva tickled the back of my throat. Surprisingly it works— for a split second. My hand managed to form a fist and knocked on the door.

The door is opened by a tall elderly welcoming face in white. He urges me to seat, then adds. “the senior drs will be joining us”. “Yippie, I thought, more fun”.

When everyone was seated, he began, ” this is an evaluation of your performance since you joined our team”. I swallowed hard. “You’re always there, polite. do what you’re asked but…

But?!

But you’re reserved. TOO reserved!. Lets hear what the others have to say

Senior Dr #1 In the beginning, you were great, curious. Active, then along the line you stopped engaging.

Senior Dr #2 Ditto.

Gulp. Gulp. Swallow. Swallow

senior Dr #3 This is a difficult department to work in and you’re adapting the best you can

The Bossman turned back to me, a little more pitiful than before, “Do you have something to say?”

In a bare whisper I started, ” I didn’t realise my personality was in question. No offence but you bunch are kinda intimidating with your loads of experience to my Intern status.”

I may have said more, may have stammered, may even have blacked out a bit.

I knew there was trouble on the other side of this door, but this went left, fast.

“This is not a criticism on you”, the Bossman interrupted my thoughts. “And I would gladly write up a recommendation for you”.

Write a recommendation? nice way to rip out my heart, cook it in cauldron and serve it back to me with wine and silverware.

I left feeling broken, but there’s no hurt that Yoga and the Bible cannot sooth. I have to say goodbye to this city’s bright lights I love but every now and again, bright lights dim and the time arrives to move somewhere sunnier.

Transcension

“Be whatever you want to be”, they say, although what they really mean is, “You can be whatever you want as long as it is what I want you to.”

My sister told me this two years ago.  Now she’s eighteen and in the first year in the same school I just graduated from, medical programme. The truth is, I acceded to the decision to study medicine, It was more like a psychological attunement, people would say; “You like to read, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, you should be a Dr”. Uyai, on the other hand chose medicine.

Her struggles now give me flashbacks to when I was  naive and in first year. She had a bout of clinical depression that landed her in psychiatry outpatient, I suffered depression in between 1st and 2nd year as well, though it never occurred to me to me to visit the hospital, I turned to writing, drawing, and lots of crying. By then I hadn’t discovered the therapeutic values of exercise, nature walks and yoga, so I bottled it all in, no one knew.

I was praised for being strong, but matter-of-factly, Uyai-abasi showed admirable bravery for realising she had a problem and dealing with it. Our school system, unfortunately, is rigged for majority to fail, or at the very least, lose hope.  Now, my parents parenting style is absolutely contentious, in fact I’m probably scared for life because of their so called “African mentality”, but one thing our dad taught us was to stand our ground and never give up.  So the trials ensued, and boy did it rain down in full force, but I was too stubborn, and I know how resilient my sister is.

It took eight years of arduous training to become a Doctor, that day almost didn’t want to come, but as one of my favourite bloggers isaiahministry, noted, on their blog; “when God is working, he does so extraordinarily so the world knows that it is he”. I continue thanking him for honouring me in the way he has,  it took a lot of humbling experiences for me to finally succumb to his will,  I know he will bequeath his favour to Uyai-abasi. Because I’ve lived through them , I am now her biggest supporter.

 

A Haiku:

Pitter-patter of our DNA footprints

Juxtaposing faith’s light on grace

Attuned with signals of transcension