How anxiety feels like

He gave me this load to carry

it weighed heavy and left me winded

in my ribcage, my heart ached and slowed

all the while robbing me of my speech

It was several rough hands grappling at my neck

A reality that costed me my libido, my stamina, my cash

doubt was running down my face like sticky mascara

in the face of adversary, I pretend to be everything I’m not

It’s like my shadow was polluting the street

and my hymn was that of a debby downer

on one side life was handing out subtle coloured roses

on my end, I had sunk deep into dung

Cock. Screw. Trigger

eagerly waiting for a mail that ends it all

soon I realise, I can’t serve two masters

I’m left roaming like a wild cat

Today ends and tomorrow begins

but my anxiety stayed constant variable

realising how expensive joy is

even though I answer to it’s call

They said it’ll get easier, it hasn’t but i’m still here

how do you know when you’ve hit rock bottom?

when you can’t estimate the well’s depth?

It’s like a deaf married to a deaf and birthing a deaf child—– no really

That day will come, some day

I’ll forgot the worry lines that creased my brow

the tightening grip on my neck will vanish

the road i chose will become more familiar

Then I will be willing to speak.

How I got engaged

 Those video archives on the internet always seem longer, but my proposal took less than 2 mins, and now I have a new treasure for my memory box.

Our Beginning

We met 3 years ago on a dating app. Neither of knew what  we wanted, but a glitch in the time-space continuum turned two strangers into something more. We’ve had our fair share of turmoils, often breaking up for a varying lengthy periods. Despite being of the same age, we are polar opposites in more ways than one. I was emotionally unintelligent, whereas Viktor had a  more evolved thought process. Ultimately, My curiosity towards learning drew me to him. His objective views keep me grounded. We eventually decided to buckle down and figure out a common ground

The Nightmares

Since meeting my parents in June, I’ve had an inkling he was going to propose, which left me rather anxious. I had recurring nightmares, like Aliens possessing my body, forcing me to denounce him and creating an awkward scenario. In another, I was naked. Tired of the nightmares, I confronted him. We got into the details like the size of my finger and how the event should transpire. In the nightmares, it was public like airports or restaurants, and I wanted none of that.

Surprise Surprise

Despite eliminating one element of surprise, I still didn’t know when it’ll happen. When we arrived Lisbon last week, he told me he booked a boat tour. I pictured big bus sightseeing tour or something similar. I wasn’t even gonna dress up, then I saw him all suited up with his dressing shoes, so I changed everything on me. As a result, we were running late. 

As we arrived at the port, there were no big sight-seeing ship, instead we met an ocean skipper who took us to a sailing boat. I wanted to scream, he’d made me run out almost without a pair of earrings and it was just the two of us?  They could have waited since we booked the entire boat.

Let me sidetrack for a bit, I have a real time ( and numbers) disproportion. While my FiancĂ© would rather be always 7 mins early, I prefer to be there exactly on time, as you may have guessed,  this never happens as I’m always  late. Good timing is yet another thing I’m learning from him.

Boats are scary!

I got over it quickly when the boat started to move and the skipper narrated to us about the monuments. As we drifted father down the river, I walked (more like duck for fear of falling overboard) to the front of the boat to experience the full view. 

Perfect timing

He said he’d be right behind, yet he was talking secretively with our captain. I figured it was either about football or EU politics. Eventually he came at the perfect time… when the gust grew stronger and I got so cold. I hugged him very tightly. The song “moon river” came across my mind which translated into the poem I published HERE on Monday

I said Fix it

7 mins later, the sailor waltz over and asks us if we want a picture, I always want a picture when I look good.  we got up, me shaking like autumn leaves. In the next moment, he was searching his jacket for something, and I knew this was it.My reply to his question was “fix it”, a little inside joke between us, then I said yes.

Authenticity rocks

Later at the restaurant, he apologised for the size of my diamond. But one of his  most admirable qualities is his authenticity, something the rock on my finger glaringly reveals.  He could have bought Zirconia, or borrowed money from people in other to buy a ring bigger than his pay-cheque, but he stayed true to me, and most importantly to himself.

End note

It took less than 2 mins, but a lot of thought and planning was behind it, Some people prefer grand surprises, I got the perfect holiday gift I could ever wish for,  If you’re engaged, married, or have family who is, you have to share your story in the comments.

We’re leaving Portugal today and I’m so sad, but a part of my life will be connected to the river Tagus. Thank you for taking time away from your festive shopping to read my long ass story. Remain in his blessings.